I was a mean girl
Growing up, I was pretty happy. I felt like I had a lot of friends, a great family and always had fun. I look back at my childhood and it is filled with laughter.
I wasn’t a great student but I enjoyed school. Mainly the social part of school. I didn’t mind middle school with all the awkwardness that comes along with it. Despite my unfortunate hair styles and braces, I didn’t mind high school either. I wasn’t a cheerleader or bogged down with tons of dates. I had my friends.
Friends argue especially in these years when they are trying to find themselves. It’s a learning experience – there is plenty of backstabbing that happens in those years. Certain things stand out in my mind – a girl who told my boyfriend lies about me -which lead to my very first heartbreak. Boys. Boys seem to be the main cause of all drama in middle school/high school years. As an adult, it’s easy to say “fighting over a boy isn’t worth it.” In those years, it’s a different story. And for some reason, if cheating is involved, we always get mad at the girl. Not our boyfriend. In those years, the betrayal is real and it’s raw. It hurts. It feels like your world will never come back together again. I know I remember the hurt. I can hear certain songs from those days and it brings me back. It brings me right back to sitting in my bedroom sobbing those real tears.
It’s funny because when I look back on those years I remember the laughter and silliness. But yes, you do still remember those moments of hurt. Those friends that hurt you all those years ago.
You know what memories don’t come to the surface so easily. The memories where you were being the mean girl seem to buried deep down. You being the reason someone was unhappy or sad. For some reason, it’s easier to let the memories of our wrong doing fade into the abyss. I never thought I was a mean girl. I had girls I didn’t care for and bad choices on how to treat them. Yes, I teased girls. But, I always thought I wasn’t too good for anyone and believed in being friends with everyone. (Again, it’s what we choose to remember.)
Then you become and an adult. You keep those friends that are important and true to you. You keep them close. They are honest with you. They tell you the flat out truth “Man, you were a bitch this time or what about when you do this”…ugh. Hopefully, you have grown enough to want to call every single person from your past and apologize. It’s embarrassing to be reminded of those things. Well, it is for me.
It takes a long time to find ourselves. It takes a really long to be able to realize our past mistakes and try to learn from them. I’m in my 40s now. I wish I could go back and make better choices. You can’t. What can I do? Be a better person. Show my children how to be better people. Show my children that kindness is the way. Oh trust me, I have people from those days that are still mean. They are still hateful. Now, they try to hide it but it’s harder when you are older.
Some days, I want to call the people I know I hurt and say I am sorry and hope they will forgive me. I have been able to move forward with some of those people. And what I know now is that I missed out some great friends back then.
As a parent, I tell my kids the truth – you might not care for someone at this moment, but you never know where that friendship could lead in the future. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone. Just be open and kind. You will get hurt along the way. That is a part of growing up. But please don’t be the reason someone goes home and cries. It will haunt you way into your adulthood. Trust me. I know.