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The Glamorous Life of this Stay at Home mom.

Before everyone gets all upset with me, I realize how grateful I am to even have the option to be a stay at home mom. I realize how many single parents are out there working more than one job I also realize the number of families with both parents working and still those ends are barely coming together.

This however is MY story. Everyone has his or her own story.

I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. When my daughter came along, I cut my hours back. I was fortunate to have a boss who was understanding and a job that was flexible to allow a new schedule. When I had my second child, my boss again understood and allowed me to cut my hours back even more. (When my boss quit, my new boss was not as understanding and actually wasn’t open to women playing any management part in the company.)

Needless to say, I have been blessed with so many great bosses. So many bosses who understood about work/life balance. Sometimes we don’t realize what we have until it’s too late.

A few years ago, I decided to stay at home full time. It wasn’t my boss. My schedule was great. I was tired of the ACTUAL job and some of the people I had to encounter on a daily basis.

So I left and my boss understood and his parting words to me were this “You aren’t going to be happy staying at home.” I laughed and thought to myself “What a crazy thing to say.”

It’s been 3 years and I am starting to think he might have been right.

Here’s what I love about being a stay at home mom.
1) Being able to wear yoga pants all day.
2) Not having to get in the car if it’s cold outside.
3) Having my dogs with me all day
4) Not having to worry about back up plans for sick kids or snow days.
5) Going to the gym late morning
6) Being able to lunch with my girlfriends
7) Being able to run errands without those weekend crowds

Here’s what I don’t like about being a stay at home mom.
1) It’s super lonely. More lonely than you could imagine.
2) Some days you feel worthless
3) Lack of your own spending money
4) Guilt when you do spend money on non-necessities
5) Miss feeling like I am making an actual contribution
My husband is great and supportive. However, some days I feel like he looks at me and wonders what I do all day.

Some days the loneliness is overwhelming. (Today is one of those days.) I look around the house all the things I want to get done. My “to do” list is so long. It has things I want to accomplish and things I need to accomplish.

I’ve been looking into ways to make some side cash or doing job outside of the house. Sometimes I dream of having this hugely successful side business. Sometimes I dream of opening a gym, just to give me a place to go where I am the boss.

I have looked into MLM companies but I am not great a selling. I don’t like to pressure my friends or family. Trust me, I get so tired of seeing the same things on Facebook. Not to mention all the people on instragram who only want to follow me so they can sell me their products.

If I am home all the time, my house should be the cleanest house should be spotless. Laundry done every day. A yummy home cooked meal on the table at 6 pm every night. (If only)

Some days I am on top of everything – I get so many things done. Other days (most days) I am so consumed by the shear feeling of loneliness and feeling worthless. I’m 44 and I think, “This is it”. I start to wallow in my own self-pity that before I know it, it’s time to pick the kids up from school. Then I get mad at myself for another wasted day. (It’s 10 am right now and I have gotten 2 loads of laundry done, wiped down the counters. I’ve also thought about dusting my downstairs, cleaning out the basement, and cleaning the closets. The last 3 did not happen.)

Staying at home has way more positives over negatives. But some days being a stay at home mom is so the opposite of glamorous. If you are a stay at home mom or dad, I hope you find it rewarding.

Depression

Let’s talk about depression for a minute.

I have bouts of depression. Today is one of the bad days. However, I consider myself lucky. I am able to function with my depression. I don’t fight it every day.

My depression comes in over me in waves. I am very good at hiding it from the outside world. Some days I can hide it from my family. Some days I can’t. Some days I feel like I am hiding it but I am not sure if I am being successful.

Sometimes I can look back and see the trigger. Other days I can’t find any triggers at all.

Let’s look at today for example. Woke up feeling better good. Woke up feeling pretty motivated to get so many things done around the house. Got the kids off to school. I was excited to not have to leave the house. I was excited to just focus on things around the house.

I cleaned up the kitchen. I put dinner in the crockpot. Even got the groceries delivered. Then I sat down in my office to “work”. Slowly, I became overwhelmed. Feeling overwhelmed started to turn into feeling useless.

The kids started coming home from school. Then homework and dinner topics turned into fights. Typical. Those feelings of being overwhelmed turned to sadness. As the minutes drag on, this sadness is becoming heavier.

Typically, when these bouts hit me, I turn to my dog. However, my dog passed away in December. It seems silly to some but my dog was always a HUGE help to me in these moments. He would sit next to me. Let me hug him and get that good cry out. No judgment when it’s your pet.

My husband is great. He’s pretty understanding but I don’t always want to burden him with these things. When these bouts hit, I start to fear he will tell me he has had enough and he wants out of our marriage.

Depression is an unwelcomed visitor. I also believe it is way more common than people want to admit openly.

It’s amazing how alone a person can feel even in a house full of people.

It was only recently that I started to open up to my friends about my battles. It was only recently my mom even witnessed a pretty bad spell of it first hand. I always prided myself on being able to hide it. I could just put on that smile everyone expected from me. I remember a conversation with a friend. She said, “You are the last person I would ever think was ever sad.” I simply said, “I’m pretty good at hiding it.”

When I think about it now, hiding it was pretty reckless of me. I have gone to that dark place many times. I am lucky to pull myself out of it. For example, today, I started to hit that deep, dark place. I have my children.

I have a pattern. I lock myself away with music. It’s usually Sarah McLachlan or the Counting Crows that provide me the most comfort during these times. It’s the same songs. I wish I could thank them for being there for me when I feel the most alone. I wish I could thank them for saying all the things I am feeling so much better than I can even express.

If you are someone who battles with depression, I hope you have somewhere to turn. I hope you have a support system. If you don’t, please find one. Reach out and know that you are never alone – even though I know it feels like you are so alone.

There are even apps now to allow you to talk to people. Check out Talkspace, Moodnotes, Mediation, and Breathing Zone.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255

Never underestimate the power of a good cry, a dog, and good music!

“But I fear, I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place”
– Fear, Sarah McLachlan

What you don’t see coming with parenting

When we think about becoming parents, we think about babies, toddlers. We think about them growing up and giving us grandbabies.

When they are babies, we run on lack of sleep. We never knew we would care and talk about pooping and eating habits. We never knew we could love another human being so fiercely. Everyone says the years go by so fast. We are so tired we think they are crazy.

Here comes the toddler stage. We are now chasing them around, keeping them out of things. They make us laugh by incorrectly pronouncing words. They even make us laugh when they do bad things. We shake our heads and laugh under our breath when they yell out a curse word.

They move on to school and we worry about them making friends. We worry about their grades. We just want make sure they are invited to play dates and birthday parties.

I look back on those days and they now seem so far away. I think about tired I was back then. Little did I know what was coming up in my future.

The stage no one prepared me for was the “tween” stage. Sure, I can think back to myself at that age. I can tell my kids my stories so they know they aren’t alone when a friend hurts them. I can tell them the things I did wrong so they can learn from my mistakes (or at least hope).

I wasn’t really prepared the AMOUNT of attitude I would be getting from the kids. I wasn’t planning on my life depending on their friendships. I wasn’t prepared for checking texts and social media. I was in no way prepared for reading things in those texts I didn’t want to read. A kid offering my 13 year old a vape pen. A friend sending less than pleasant things via texts. I wasn’t prepared to feel like I am going through all of it all over again. Those hurt feelings. The feelings of being left out. Only this time I think it hurts more because I can’t fix it for them. I can’t make them see it will get better. I can’t make them realize that everyone is trying to find out who they are and where they stand with other peers.

When you are parent, you set your rules for your children. Rules they break. Rules you bend. The flip side to those rules is when other parents don’t have those same rules. Parents who have way less rules than you have set down. There is always a parent more “cool” than you. Things you don’t really feel comfortable with but you do trust those parents.

I’m not in denial about what lies ahead of me – sex, drugs, drinking. I know they are on the horizon. They will be here sooner than I know it. It actually terrifies me if I am being 100% honest. I like to be honest with my kids and keep the lines of communication open. Like I said, I read the texts and I see the things that are kept from me. Nothing horrible – YET. I think back to my childhood and how things have changed. My mom didn’t have to worry about social media. In ways, it might have been better if she didn’t know things. I wasn’t a horrible kid. I stayed a virgin, stayed away from drugs though I did drink.

I also don’t think parents got so involved in everything with us. My parents knew my friends parents. My parents knew where I was spending my time. They didn’t have conversations with other parents about what we were doing – they let us figure it out. I know if they had to step in, they would have. I know that my friend’s parents would have been the same way.

To me, the dark side of parenting is these years – tween/teenager. Sex trafficking is a major concern. Kids want to see how many “followers” and “streaks” they can rack up. They don’t always look at who their friends on social media. They don’t know about the people who scout out other kids. (Think about Peter in the movie Taken.”

I feel very unprepared and very ill equipped in these years. Am I the only one?

Another senseless tragedy

Yesterday, I was on my hand and knees scrubbing my baseboards clean. I was imagining my blog post for this morning and started writing it last night.

Then, I woke up and heard about the worst mass shooting in the US in history. A mass shooting at Las Vegas music festival. My blog post about how I feel about scrubbing those baseboards means nothing. It is what you call a first world problem.

For some reason today, I am in denial about this event. It was easier for me to put on mindless TV, turn off my social media for the day. Not ready to face it. I did the same thing when the planes it the twin towers. It was easier for me to bury my head in the sand. Coward. Yep. That’s me. I admit it. Not proud of it.

I am an avid concert goer. I would much rather go to a concert than a sporting event. I get teased about my love of concerts. I think it was easier for me to scrub my house today than to think about being scared the next time I go to a concert.

I hate this feeling. I hate that every time I get a on a plane I have a terror and I feel the need to check out every person that walks onto the plane. I hate that my favorite activity of losing myself for those 2 hours into my favorite music will now be tainted with even more fear.

Something is so very wrong with our society. I wish someone could make me understand these things. Why kill innocent children like Sandy Hook? How can you have so much hate in your own life to walk into a nightclub and fire your guns?

When I finally got onto social media, it was nothing but bickering back and forth. Gun control vs. 2^nd amendment. People pointing the finger at Trump and his supporters. Bickering back and forth is not going to stop these events from happening. This country is so horribly divided and it hurts my heart. Instead of pointing the fingers at someone, why can’t we try to find a way to come together? No, we won’t always agree. Trust me, I admire the passion that my friends (and non-friends) express on a daily basis. I truly do.

I don’t see any reason for a human to have an assault rifle. I do think they need stronger restrictions for guns. However, I do think that if someone wants to hurt people they will find a way. People have mental breaks all the time.

This will be a short post. My heart is broken for the families. My heart is broken to know that mass shootings seem to be too much of the norm these days. My heart breaks for my children as these tragedies become so frequent.

Mothers and Daughters

Mothers and daughters

it’s a tricky thing. I love my mom. She’s my best friend. We have always been close. She knows most things about me. I’ve kept a few details from her that I know would hurt her. But when I look back at my childhood, I’m not sure what I would do without her.

I have s teenage daughter now. Our relationship is not the same as my mom and I. She doesn’t seem to like me very much. She lies quite often but she’s not a bad kid. She appears to be angry often.

I’ve been trying to remember the things I kept from my mom. But my things were BIG things. Not a fight with a friend or a name someone called me. Most of those BIG things happened later in my teen years or my early twenties.

Raising a daughter in the time of social media is an extra challenge. I’ve tried to remember my mom didn’t know a lot of things because there was no Facebook to post them. (Trust me I am grateful for this every day.) My mom also wasn’t close with the other mothers. She was friendly with them. But she didn’t go out with them or sit down and chat with them on a regular basis.

But our world is different now. Are there more predators or are we just more aware? I’m not quite sure. These days you do need to know the mothers and parents of your child’s friend.

Sex trafficking is a real thing. It’s terrifying. I struggle with giving her freedom and being terrified at the same time. I am sure she wishes I would stop reading every article or watching documentaries. She doesn’t understand that I am trying to be prepared (even though I don’t think you can ever really be prepared.) I would never be able to live with myself if dropped all my instincts and the worst happened.

I don’t want to rain on her parade while she grows up. I’ve sat by and watch her screw up with her friends. It broke my heart but I realized she had to learn these mistakes on her own. I don’t want to hover over her while she goes through life.

I love my daughter but she’s sneaky. She isn’t always truthful. She passes the blame to overs very easily. Admitting she is wrong is not something she does very often. These traits make me more nervous to let her have freedom I probably would have given her. (Maybe not.)

However, when it comes to putting her at risky in potentially dangerous situations, I tend to lock up my controls on her. She has a lot of resentment towards me.
We are currently in a standoff with social media as I type this. Some pretty hateful things flew out of her mouth. She’s lost her phone privileges. I have told her repeatedly WHY she is in trouble. (Being deceitful and lying are not good reasons for you to be able to have free range.)

I don’t like fighting with her. I wish I could find that balance with her. I’m not a young hip mom (as I envisioned) but I’m not a hard ass either.
I’m not sure how I’m going to find energy to get through these next few years. Most people tell me she will become my friend when she hits her 20s. I am hope I am around when this day happens. I wish she knew that I felt like I was screwing up as a mother every single day. I don’t have all the answers. I screw up often. I try to lead my example to make my wrongs right.

I guess when it’s your first born in small way you go through growing pains together. Wish me luck as I make my way through the teen years again with her. (And her siblings in the next couple of years.)

We still have friendship drama in our 40s.

Friendship in your 40s

Welcome to your 40s. Your 40s. When you have been on this planet long enough to finally figured out all the bullshit. Right? Sure. High school drama should be far behind you. You could be a parent, even a grandparent. Your focus changes to making yourself happy.

Or does it? I am in my 40s. I’ve got a nice family if I do say so myself. All the things I have pretty much envisioned for myself has come true (except for those few pounds I can’t seem to shake.)

However, the high school drama bullshit STILL exists. It’s quite unreal to me. I can’t believe I am actually doing a blog post about this subject. But here goes.

When we are growing up, we are finding our way. We are looking for those friendships that are going to last a lifetime. Our friendship soul mates. If you are lucky, you find them early and then you even add to the list as you move onto other stages in your life.

The bad news is sometimes your soul mates already have baggage. What do I mean by baggage? Your soul mates are close friends with people you can see right through. These are people who are selfish and untrustworthy. They are people you would not miss if they moved far away. (And sometimes you secretly wish they would.) You wouldn’t fight to keep in touch with them. In fact, the only reason these people are even in your life is due to your common connection (SOULMATES.)

So, here you are in your 40s, trying to get away from the bullshit. Yet, here you are stuck in it. You go to events with them. You make sure to just watch your comments and friendly gossip. Doesn’t matter because when you have one of these people in your life – they are hell bent on making you miserable. Most of it is behind the scenes of course. (Just has they have been since high school.)

What’s upsetting is that you wish you could grab your soul mates and shake them until they can see what you see. In fact, you hear this person never have a nice thing to say about your beloved soul mates. It hurts you to hear these horrible things but you also realize that some how you will be the person who gets all the blame. So you zip your lips and look the other way while all the hurtful things spew from her mouth.

What makes a person stay with someone who isn’t a friend to him or her? What do your soul mates find in this person? Sometimes their friendship is based on longevity. It’s based on a friendship that started years ago. It’s what they know. The soul mates just feel they are supposed to continue this friendship instead of it go. As an outsider, it’s easy for me to see this as a one-sided friendship.

Some friendships are based on laughter. It’s someone who makes you laugh and you have a good time with but there is no substance to the friendship at all. (I had a friendship like this once but I have been able to walk away.) In the mist of the laughter, it’s so easy to forget there is nothing beneath the surface.

There are also friendships where the mutual attraction is the ability to be mean together. This friendship is based on complete negativity. When the person is a negative soul, a person without anything nice to say about anyone, it’s easier to bitch to him or her about other people. They make it seem ok to be negative and unhappy. They make it easy to let your jealousy fly because they are wrapped in jealousy. Now of course we bitch about people to our closest friends (soul mates). This is different. Your soul mates will defend you in those moments. Your soul mates say “I can’t believe she said that to you. Want me to kick her ass?” Your soul mates will also be honest and say “Are you sure you understood her? Are you sure you didn’t provoke” Not negative Sally. She will chime in with “I hate her too. Listen what she did to me.” In fact, they are so happy that you are unhappy. It’s like a drug to them.

So, here I am in my 40s. I want to spend more time with the people I love and enjoy their time. My friendships with my soul mates are so very important to me. They are just as important to me as my family. I just wish I could enjoy the little time I have with them in a positive setting.

Guess what? Your kid is an a-hole. Yes, even yours

Hey you. Yes, your kid is an a-hole too!

What? Wait? Not my kid. Yes, your kid too. How do I know this? I know that there is no such thing as a perfect kid. Not possible. So, even those kids that are the good, well-mannered kids have had a moment of assholery. Maybe you are lucky and they only have those moments in the privacy of your own home with you –stomping their feet, crying out in public, telling you no, or eye rolling. I am not so lucky.

Here’s the thing. We do our best. We want our kids to be kind, well mannered. Sure, your kid could be all of those things. However, even the nicest kid can be influenced by other kids around them to make less than ideal choices. THEY ARE HUMAN. You can even throw the constant tattlers into this asshole category. You know the ones you run to tattle on other kids every 2 minutes – when they are also doing their own evil things.

I am honest about it. My kids have lots of asshole moments. Most of them are at home but I am realistic and know they fuck up in the world too. My daughter can be bitchy. My son can be loud and rude. No matter now much I preach to them, I realize they will still have those moments. I mean – even adults have those moments so why wouldn’t a kid? Mistakes are mistakes and I talk to my kids about every single one.

But there is the thing – when your kid is being asshole and hurts another kid – either verbally or physically. You need to own up to it. You need to make your children own up to it.

I’m lucky most of my friends are realistic about their kids and any mistakes they make out in the world. (Though I have a few who only make excuses for everything their children do and even turn it around on other kids. You know because their kids are perfect) You are hurting your kids when you do this and setting your kid to be a complete ASSHOLE when they grow up. That is a fact.

Recently, my children were on the other end of some unkind behavior. The kid who subjected them is known for not being kind. He is known for thinking the rules do not apply to him. However, some things are more hurtful than name calling and more personal. There are things in people’s home lives that are personal, can’t be changed and should not be made fun of – it’s simple.

A boy called out a physical appearance issue with my daughter. It was over the line. Normally, I tell my kids – “hey it doesn’t matter, you know yourself and there will always be someone wanting to put you down.” However, when it’s over the line.- It’s over the line.

A conversation with the mother was nothing but veiled excuses for her son. There were even flat out lies. Basically, she fed me a line of bullshit – all to make her son look innocent. I believe that deep down we know our children. I also believe that sometimes it is hard to grasp when are kids are flat out mean. No one wants to have the mean kid. The bully.

Here’s an idea though, instead of calling to make excuses or cover up behavior – you should hold your kids responsible. That’s how they learn right from wrong. That’s how we teach them to learn from their mistakes. That’s how they realize the consequences of their actions. They are kids. It’s your JOB to teach them. These are life lessons.

This isn’t always an easy task and it’s not a fun task either. (Yes, I have had to do this with my child.) No one likes to admit when they are wrong. No one likes to admit their child is being an asshole.

Here’s the thing, we should be working TOGETHER as parents. We don’t have to have the same rules with bedtimes or when they do their homework. One rule that should be universal is being kind and being the best person you can be – SIMPLE FACT.

When are kids fail, we need to make sure they know how to learn from those mistakes. We need to teach them it’s ok to make mistakes and this is how you pick yourself up from those mistakes.

Parenting is already the hardest job in the world. Why can’t we work together?

I was a mean girl

Growing up, I was pretty happy. I felt like I had a lot of friends, a great family and always had fun. I look back at my childhood and it is filled with laughter.

I wasn’t a great student but I enjoyed school. Mainly the social part of school. I didn’t mind middle school with all the awkwardness that comes along with it. Despite my unfortunate hair styles and braces, I didn’t mind high school either. I wasn’t a cheerleader or bogged down with tons of dates. I had my friends.

Friends argue especially in these years when they are trying to find themselves. It’s a learning experience – there is plenty of backstabbing that happens in those years. Certain things stand out in my mind – a girl who told my boyfriend lies about me -which lead to my very first heartbreak. Boys. Boys seem to be the main cause of all drama in middle school/high school years. As an adult, it’s easy to say “fighting over a boy isn’t worth it.” In those years, it’s a different story. And for some reason, if cheating is involved, we always get mad at the girl. Not our boyfriend. In those years, the betrayal is real and it’s raw. It hurts. It feels like your world will never come back together again. I know I remember the hurt. I can hear certain songs from those days and it brings me back. It brings me right back to sitting in my bedroom sobbing those real tears.

It’s funny because when I look back on those years I remember the laughter and silliness. But yes, you do still remember those moments of hurt. Those friends that hurt you all those years ago.

You know what memories don’t come to the surface so easily. The memories where you were being the mean girl seem to buried deep down. You being the reason someone was unhappy or sad. For some reason, it’s easier to let the memories of our wrong doing fade into the abyss. I never thought I was a mean girl. I had girls I didn’t care for and bad choices on how to treat them. Yes, I teased girls. But, I always thought I wasn’t too good for anyone and believed in being friends with everyone. (Again, it’s what we choose to remember.)

Then you become and an adult. You keep those friends that are important and true to you. You keep them close. They are honest with you. They tell you the flat out truth “Man, you were a bitch this time or what about when you do this”…ugh. Hopefully, you have grown enough to want to call every single person from your past and apologize. It’s embarrassing to be reminded of those things. Well, it is for me.

It takes a long time to find ourselves. It takes a really long to be able to realize our past mistakes and try to learn from them. I’m in my 40s now. I wish I could go back and make better choices. You can’t. What can I do? Be a better person. Show my children how to be better people. Show my children that kindness is the way. Oh trust me, I have people from those days that are still mean. They are still hateful. Now, they try to hide it but it’s harder when you are older.

Some days, I want to call the people I know I hurt and say I am sorry and hope they will forgive me. I have been able to move forward with some of those people. And what I know now is that I missed out some great friends back then.

As a parent, I tell my kids the truth – you might not care for someone at this moment, but you never know where that friendship could lead in the future. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone. Just be open and kind. You will get hurt along the way. That is a part of growing up. But please don’t be the reason someone goes home and cries. It will haunt you way into your adulthood. Trust me. I know.

award shows

It is the beginning of the awards show season! Glitz! Glamour!

When I was younger, I lived for the award shows. My favorite was the Grammys. I love music. Love live music. Love watching my favorite artists get on that stage and how I used to dream of being in that audience some day. To imagine being in the same place as all my favorite artists.

The Grammys were always my favorite because of the music and my love for rock stars! However, over the past couple of years, I have been falling out of love with award shows.

Maybe it’s my age? Maybe I am getting way too old for the music. There is usually a performance that gives me excitement. This year, it was a tribute to Prince. Bruno Mars is a very talented performer and he did not disappoint me at all.

The rest of the Grammys. Well. Why wasn’t there a tribute to David Bowie? Was there and I missed it? Do they not follow the 12 month calendar year? He left us on January 10, 2016. I am not the biggest David Bowie fan alive but I do love him. I do appreciate all of his work. Did they pay tribute to him at the 2016 Grammys?

I watched Adele open the show and I love her personality. I love that she cusses like I do. I love that she sang it live. I got tear eyed watching her tribute to George Michael.

That was all I watched. Me. The music lover. This morning I looked for highlights – like a Bowie tribute. I watched Adele’s speech. I love her. Love her! I don’t really agree that Beyonce should have won the award but it doesn’t really matter what I think.

According to my FB feed, there were political comments etc. I don’t mind those so much. I can’t say I blame for using a platform with this big of audience to vote their outrage, support etc. Let’s be honest. I just sit there wishing I had a speckle of talent to be performer in the first place. #notgoingtohappen #cantsingforthelifeofme

It seems now the award shows are much more about the clothes and the red carpet. There are hours of pre-shows. HOURS! Who are you wearing? Blah Blah Blah. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a beautiful woman and a gorgeous man in a tux. I’m just not sure when the outfit started to be more important than the actual art. Maybe it was J.Lo’s famous green dress? No, we can’t put all this on J. Lo. Can we?

One thing is a given. The award shows have changed since I was a young girl in the 80s.