Depression
Let’s talk about depression for a minute.
I have bouts of depression. Today is one of the bad days. However, I consider myself lucky. I am able to function with my depression. I don’t fight it every day.
My depression comes in over me in waves. I am very good at hiding it from the outside world. Some days I can hide it from my family. Some days I can’t. Some days I feel like I am hiding it but I am not sure if I am being successful.
Sometimes I can look back and see the trigger. Other days I can’t find any triggers at all.
Let’s look at today for example. Woke up feeling better good. Woke up feeling pretty motivated to get so many things done around the house. Got the kids off to school. I was excited to not have to leave the house. I was excited to just focus on things around the house.
I cleaned up the kitchen. I put dinner in the crockpot. Even got the groceries delivered. Then I sat down in my office to “work”. Slowly, I became overwhelmed. Feeling overwhelmed started to turn into feeling useless.
The kids started coming home from school. Then homework and dinner topics turned into fights. Typical. Those feelings of being overwhelmed turned to sadness. As the minutes drag on, this sadness is becoming heavier.
Typically, when these bouts hit me, I turn to my dog. However, my dog passed away in December. It seems silly to some but my dog was always a HUGE help to me in these moments. He would sit next to me. Let me hug him and get that good cry out. No judgment when it’s your pet.
My husband is great. He’s pretty understanding but I don’t always want to burden him with these things. When these bouts hit, I start to fear he will tell me he has had enough and he wants out of our marriage.
Depression is an unwelcomed visitor. I also believe it is way more common than people want to admit openly.
It’s amazing how alone a person can feel even in a house full of people.
It was only recently that I started to open up to my friends about my battles. It was only recently my mom even witnessed a pretty bad spell of it first hand. I always prided myself on being able to hide it. I could just put on that smile everyone expected from me. I remember a conversation with a friend. She said, “You are the last person I would ever think was ever sad.” I simply said, “I’m pretty good at hiding it.”
When I think about it now, hiding it was pretty reckless of me. I have gone to that dark place many times. I am lucky to pull myself out of it. For example, today, I started to hit that deep, dark place. I have my children.
I have a pattern. I lock myself away with music. It’s usually Sarah McLachlan or the Counting Crows that provide me the most comfort during these times. It’s the same songs. I wish I could thank them for being there for me when I feel the most alone. I wish I could thank them for saying all the things I am feeling so much better than I can even express.
If you are someone who battles with depression, I hope you have somewhere to turn. I hope you have a support system. If you don’t, please find one. Reach out and know that you are never alone – even though I know it feels like you are so alone.
There are even apps now to allow you to talk to people. Check out Talkspace, Moodnotes, Mediation, and Breathing Zone.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Never underestimate the power of a good cry, a dog, and good music!
“But I fear, I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place”
– Fear, Sarah McLachlan