January 2018 - Life and other junk

The Glamorous Life of this Stay at Home mom.

Before everyone gets all upset with me, I realize how grateful I am to even have the option to be a stay at home mom. I realize how many single parents are out there working more than one job I also realize the number of families with both parents working and still those ends are barely coming together.

This however is MY story. Everyone has his or her own story.

I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. When my daughter came along, I cut my hours back. I was fortunate to have a boss who was understanding and a job that was flexible to allow a new schedule. When I had my second child, my boss again understood and allowed me to cut my hours back even more. (When my boss quit, my new boss was not as understanding and actually wasn’t open to women playing any management part in the company.)

Needless to say, I have been blessed with so many great bosses. So many bosses who understood about work/life balance. Sometimes we don’t realize what we have until it’s too late.

A few years ago, I decided to stay at home full time. It wasn’t my boss. My schedule was great. I was tired of the ACTUAL job and some of the people I had to encounter on a daily basis.

So I left and my boss understood and his parting words to me were this “You aren’t going to be happy staying at home.” I laughed and thought to myself “What a crazy thing to say.”

It’s been 3 years and I am starting to think he might have been right.

Here’s what I love about being a stay at home mom.
1) Being able to wear yoga pants all day.
2) Not having to get in the car if it’s cold outside.
3) Having my dogs with me all day
4) Not having to worry about back up plans for sick kids or snow days.
5) Going to the gym late morning
6) Being able to lunch with my girlfriends
7) Being able to run errands without those weekend crowds

Here’s what I don’t like about being a stay at home mom.
1) It’s super lonely. More lonely than you could imagine.
2) Some days you feel worthless
3) Lack of your own spending money
4) Guilt when you do spend money on non-necessities
5) Miss feeling like I am making an actual contribution
My husband is great and supportive. However, some days I feel like he looks at me and wonders what I do all day.

Some days the loneliness is overwhelming. (Today is one of those days.) I look around the house all the things I want to get done. My “to do” list is so long. It has things I want to accomplish and things I need to accomplish.

I’ve been looking into ways to make some side cash or doing job outside of the house. Sometimes I dream of having this hugely successful side business. Sometimes I dream of opening a gym, just to give me a place to go where I am the boss.

I have looked into MLM companies but I am not great a selling. I don’t like to pressure my friends or family. Trust me, I get so tired of seeing the same things on Facebook. Not to mention all the people on instragram who only want to follow me so they can sell me their products.

If I am home all the time, my house should be the cleanest house should be spotless. Laundry done every day. A yummy home cooked meal on the table at 6 pm every night. (If only)

Some days I am on top of everything – I get so many things done. Other days (most days) I am so consumed by the shear feeling of loneliness and feeling worthless. I’m 44 and I think, “This is it”. I start to wallow in my own self-pity that before I know it, it’s time to pick the kids up from school. Then I get mad at myself for another wasted day. (It’s 10 am right now and I have gotten 2 loads of laundry done, wiped down the counters. I’ve also thought about dusting my downstairs, cleaning out the basement, and cleaning the closets. The last 3 did not happen.)

Staying at home has way more positives over negatives. But some days being a stay at home mom is so the opposite of glamorous. If you are a stay at home mom or dad, I hope you find it rewarding.

Depression

Let’s talk about depression for a minute.

I have bouts of depression. Today is one of the bad days. However, I consider myself lucky. I am able to function with my depression. I don’t fight it every day.

My depression comes in over me in waves. I am very good at hiding it from the outside world. Some days I can hide it from my family. Some days I can’t. Some days I feel like I am hiding it but I am not sure if I am being successful.

Sometimes I can look back and see the trigger. Other days I can’t find any triggers at all.

Let’s look at today for example. Woke up feeling better good. Woke up feeling pretty motivated to get so many things done around the house. Got the kids off to school. I was excited to not have to leave the house. I was excited to just focus on things around the house.

I cleaned up the kitchen. I put dinner in the crockpot. Even got the groceries delivered. Then I sat down in my office to “work”. Slowly, I became overwhelmed. Feeling overwhelmed started to turn into feeling useless.

The kids started coming home from school. Then homework and dinner topics turned into fights. Typical. Those feelings of being overwhelmed turned to sadness. As the minutes drag on, this sadness is becoming heavier.

Typically, when these bouts hit me, I turn to my dog. However, my dog passed away in December. It seems silly to some but my dog was always a HUGE help to me in these moments. He would sit next to me. Let me hug him and get that good cry out. No judgment when it’s your pet.

My husband is great. He’s pretty understanding but I don’t always want to burden him with these things. When these bouts hit, I start to fear he will tell me he has had enough and he wants out of our marriage.

Depression is an unwelcomed visitor. I also believe it is way more common than people want to admit openly.

It’s amazing how alone a person can feel even in a house full of people.

It was only recently that I started to open up to my friends about my battles. It was only recently my mom even witnessed a pretty bad spell of it first hand. I always prided myself on being able to hide it. I could just put on that smile everyone expected from me. I remember a conversation with a friend. She said, “You are the last person I would ever think was ever sad.” I simply said, “I’m pretty good at hiding it.”

When I think about it now, hiding it was pretty reckless of me. I have gone to that dark place many times. I am lucky to pull myself out of it. For example, today, I started to hit that deep, dark place. I have my children.

I have a pattern. I lock myself away with music. It’s usually Sarah McLachlan or the Counting Crows that provide me the most comfort during these times. It’s the same songs. I wish I could thank them for being there for me when I feel the most alone. I wish I could thank them for saying all the things I am feeling so much better than I can even express.

If you are someone who battles with depression, I hope you have somewhere to turn. I hope you have a support system. If you don’t, please find one. Reach out and know that you are never alone – even though I know it feels like you are so alone.

There are even apps now to allow you to talk to people. Check out Talkspace, Moodnotes, Mediation, and Breathing Zone.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255

Never underestimate the power of a good cry, a dog, and good music!

“But I fear, I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place”
– Fear, Sarah McLachlan