Month: September 2017

Mothers and Daughters

Mothers and daughters

it’s a tricky thing. I love my mom. She’s my best friend. We have always been close. She knows most things about me. I’ve kept a few details from her that I know would hurt her. But when I look back at my childhood, I’m not sure what I would do without her.

I have s teenage daughter now. Our relationship is not the same as my mom and I.  She doesn’t seem to like me very much. She lies quite often but she’s not a bad kid. She appears to be angry often.

I’ve been trying to remember the things I kept from my mom. But my things were BIG things. Not a fight with a friend or a name someone called me. Most of those BIG things happened later in my teen years or my early twenties.

Raising a daughter in the time of social media is an extra challenge. I’ve tried to remember my mom didn’t know a lot of things because there was no Facebook to post them. (Trust me I am grateful for this every day.) My mom also wasn’t close with the other mothers. She was friendly with them. But she didn’t go out with them or sit down and chat with them on a regular basis.

But our world is different now. Are there more predators or are we just more aware? I’m not quite sure.   These days you do need to know the mothers and parents of your child’s friend.

Sex trafficking is a real thing. It’s terrifying. I struggle with giving her freedom and being terrified at the same time. I am sure she wishes I would stop reading every article or watching documentaries. She doesn’t understand that I am trying to be prepared (even though I don’t think you can ever really be prepared.)   I would never be able to live with myself if dropped all my instincts and the worst happened.

I don’t want to rain on her parade while she grows up. I’ve sat by and watch her screw up with her friends. It broke my heart but I realized she had to learn these mistakes on her own. I don’t want to hover over her while she goes through life.

I love my daughter but she’s sneaky. She isn’t always truthful. She passes the blame to overs very easily. Admitting she is wrong is not something she does very often. These traits make me more nervous to let her have freedom I probably would have given her. (Maybe not.)

However, when it comes to putting her at risky in potentially dangerous situations, I tend to lock up my controls on her.   She has a lot of resentment towards me.
We are currently in a standoff with social media as I type this. Some pretty hateful things flew out of her mouth. She’s lost her phone privileges. I have told her repeatedly WHY she is in trouble. (Being deceitful and lying are not good reasons for you to be able to have free range.)

 

I don’t like fighting with her. I wish I could find that balance with her. I’m not a young hip mom (as I envisioned) but I’m not a hard ass either.
I’m not sure how I’m going to find energy to get through these next few years.   Most people tell me she will become my friend when she hits her 20s.   I am hope I am around when this day happens. I wish she knew that I felt like I was screwing up as a mother every single day. I don’t have all the answers. I screw up often. I try to lead my example to make my wrongs right.

 

I guess when it’s your first born in small way you go through growing pains together.   Wish me luck as I make my way through the teen years again with her. (And her siblings in the next couple of years.)

We still have friendship drama in our 40s.

Friendship in your 40s

Welcome to your 40s. Your 40s. When you have been on this planet long enough to finally figured out all the bullshit. Right? Sure. High school drama should be far behind you. You could be a parent, even a grandparent. Your focus changes to making yourself happy.

Or does it? I am in my 40s. I’ve got a nice family if I do say so myself. All the things I have pretty much envisioned for myself has come true (except for those few pounds I can’t seem to shake.)

However, the high school drama bullshit STILL exists. It’s quite unreal to me. I can’t believe I am actually doing a blog post about this subject. But here goes.

When we are growing up, we are finding our way. We are looking for those friendships that are going to last a lifetime. Our friendship soul mates.   If you are lucky, you find them early and then you even add to the list as you move onto other stages in your life.

The bad news is sometimes your soul mates already have baggage. What do I mean by baggage? Your soul mates are close friends with people you can see right through. These are people who are selfish and untrustworthy.   They are people you would not miss if they moved far away. (And sometimes you secretly wish they would.) You wouldn’t fight to keep in touch with them.   In fact, the only reason these people are even in your life is due to your common connection (SOULMATES.)

So, here you are in your 40s, trying to get away from the bullshit. Yet, here you are stuck in it. You go to events with them. You make sure to just watch your comments and friendly gossip.   Doesn’t matter because when you have one of these people in your life – they are hell bent on making you miserable.   Most of it is behind the scenes of course. (Just has they have been since high school.)

What’s upsetting is that you wish you could grab your soul mates and shake them until they can see what you see. In fact, you hear this person never have a nice thing to say about your beloved soul mates.  It hurts you to hear these horrible things but you also realize that some how you will be the person who gets all the blame. So you zip your lips and look the other way while all the hurtful things spew from her mouth.

What makes a person stay with someone who isn’t a friend to him or her? What do your soul mates find in this person? Sometimes their friendship is based on longevity. It’s based on a friendship that started years ago.   It’s what they know.   The soul mates just feel they are supposed to continue this friendship instead of it go. As an outsider, it’s easy for me to see this as a one-sided friendship.

Some friendships are based on laughter. It’s someone who makes you laugh and you have a good time with but there is no substance to the friendship at all. (I had a friendship like this once but I have been able to walk away.)   In the mist of the laughter, it’s so easy to forget there is nothing beneath the surface.

There are also friendships where the mutual attraction is the ability to be mean together.   This friendship is based on complete negativity. When the person is a negative soul, a person without anything nice to say about anyone, it’s easier to bitch to him or her about other people. They make it seem ok to be negative and unhappy. They make it easy to let your jealousy fly because they are wrapped in jealousy.   Now of course we bitch about people to our closest friends (soul mates). This is different. Your soul mates will defend you in those moments. Your soul mates say “I can’t believe she said that to you. Want me to kick her ass?”   Your soul mates will also be honest and say “Are you sure you understood her? Are you sure you didn’t provoke” Not negative Sally. She will chime in with “I hate her too. Listen what she did to me.”     In fact, they are so happy that you are unhappy. It’s like a drug to them.

So, here I am in my 40s. I want to spend more time with the people I love and enjoy their time.   My friendships with my soul mates are so very important to me.   They are just as important to me as my family.   I just wish I could enjoy the little time I have with them in a positive setting.